Why I feel like lighting a fire in the middle of the road at 4 AM

It’s cold, but that’s not why.

Overdose of news on Rape. Murder. Communal violence. FOX News’s video of the pilot being burned to death. Yep I saw it. Even the part where his flesh melts and drips. Yes, I contributed to perpetrating the disgusting atrocity and FOX’s cashing in on it.  Aaron Swartz documentary. Like Senna, this upsets me. Even more so. Multiple reasons. Flight accidents root cause analysis. My own personal demons. I am glad my phone doesn’t ring anymore. About Monday blues, the terrace is still my favorite place. What exactly is my issue? It’s pathetic to be self-aware still useless and defending that. Or am I really self-aware? Feeling useless and tired of waiting for my ultimate wish. I know Zimbabwe etc won’t happen, and I won’t do anything about Israel.

I don’t know if I am 60% angry 40% depressed right now or if it’s the other way around. Typical me. When did I ever know anything about anything properly!

Yes, there are good things happening in the world and good people still exist. But it’s easier to be weighed down by all the bad. And I’ve always leaned towards easy.

If this blog could be lit up and I could let the flames rage forever, I would. Sadly, I donno how to code that, and don’t intend to do anything about it. So withdraw more, bottle up all this, continue to numb myself more and use my brain only to choose which movie to watch or where to order my food from.

2 more years I have slept and sailed through. Way to go Elsa!

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Found and lost.

In the world of the dreamer there was solitude: all the exaltations and joys came in the moment of preparation for living. They took place in solitude. But with action came anxiety, and the sense of insuperable effort made to match the dream, and with it came weariness, discouragement, and the flight into solitude again. And then in solitude, in the opium den of remembrance, the possibility of pleasure again. –anais nin

There is no dream. But I keep getting reminders that I should get Israel Beta hardwired and not venture out into other sorts of experimentation for now, when I don’t have time or energy to watch a movie in one stretch . Learning to handle people again will not happen. Sometimes I watch myself do or say something and cannot believe I would even think such stuff. How and when did I lose the self I was so proud of?

Yours Facepalmingly.

Sorry again.

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Everything Happens For A Reason

Everything Happens For A Reason.

Do you believe that? I don’t think I do anymore. But it is still nice to try to link things.

How much do you trust your instincts?

Some chapters I closed for good had to get reopened. Deal-with-it-later is the best policy I have right now. Anyway there are plenty of things keeping me busy.

Since I don’t get much internet time these days, have nothing interesting to share with you. Not like I ever did. Me of the superficial and fake intellectualisms B-)

I hope I find a good Labrador or German shepherd or a Northern Inuit or an Akita in the neighborhood soon 🙂  Growing roots without it feeling like a constraint, I love this phase I am in. 3 months of grown-up-ism handled, only with much reneging on maturity. Not bothered if the track is right or not. Beanbags check, broadband check, trip plans check, books and movies check, all that is left is “doing the dreams.”  I am slowly getting there 🙂 Self indulgence in the driving seat. But that is how we narcissists are 🙂

Grateful for all of this, especially the reasons for:

1) ‘seriously, which other family do you think is this cool?’

2) the living room  

3) non existence of Monday blues

4) texts like ‘So we are finally going. I will reach around noon somehow, the next 2 days your plan, I am your responsibility until I board a bus or train back’.

What is your take on platonic relationships? I am stuck on Bukowski’s Almost Made Up Poem again.  

 

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Working on worklife balance :)

 

Another friendship day. This one felt more grownup. Some of us might never meet again. I’m grateful GBB happened. I was too drained out to stay awake for the friendship day/swedy farewell sleepover. And today was nitk founder’s day.

The next experimentation phase. I want this phase to be Israel Beta.

At times I feel like a deer in headlights and to make it worse, I am dealing with professional grownups here. I grew too complacent being the selectively social adult; that was my choice. Now I have almost lost the capability to deal with people who aren’t friends. But not gonna waste time explaining anything to anybody. Freedom. Choices. Peace out  😀

Dilbert Daily Strip: 2013-08-06: http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2013-08-06/

If I am to have some semblance of work-life balance, I should be sleeping only on Saturdays. Will figure out the balance point eventually. The days I help to cook dinner, doze off with just one movie and 8 tabs open in my browser is now a productive day. Books, movies and tv series are not gonna happen anytime soon. And trips, well, money, energy and time.

Did I tell you that I love the team I am in and the work is much better than I expected? Cutting through complexity hasn’t really happened though. I don’t get time to miss anything. I don’t wake up feeling miserable about any working day.

Wanted to write something funny on worklife like Cubiclenama. Bulbing a little too much these days, so humor some other time.

This was what I had to say about worklife 2 months ago:

Birds chirping, dogs barking- this sound of the world sleeping was my most favorite sound in nitk. I try to listen better now; automobile noise. A sweater and shawl and blanket. No time for pillows. Or twitter. Scenes changed. But looks like I haven’t.

Spent a couple of hours today cribbing to anybody who would listen.  And I have to consciously tell myself ‘this too shall pass’ when I feel bitter being a corporate bitch. The wise old me! So decided to take a college-ish niteout for kicks. So here I am, listening to endaro mahanubhavulu on loop at 4am, considering a job in Thar desert or a career in literature or sneaking into EWB somehow already. But I am too lazy to be productive so ignore that.  Funny, today was the day Flipkart delivered my Don Quixote paperback to my office. 800 pages. I still have the MUST READ ebooks folder and its shortcuts as old as my Sammy plus many more music, movie, docu folders mocking me.  And to think that an ethical hacking book is haunting me. Huh.

People here, to my slight horror are much better at reading faces and body language than the college crowd I loved getting lost in. Ofcourse they are. And I cannot bluff. Cheeky quotes can only get me so far. Do you wanna know the funniest part? In the midst of all this and career crises and apartment searches and no work-life balance and the ends and endlessness what I miss the most are my floaters. I swear. I don’t feel liberated enough in any other footwear!

The reason for this rant was very silly: being given some theoretical stuff to study. It is not the lab or the uprooting that bothers me the most, but having to study! I am a lost cause.

Trust me, I like this job otherwise. The office, the people, the food, mentors who are fun to be with, and friends. And getting the mysteries and possibilities of this job unraveled slowly.

On a serious note, there are times I feel terribly alone and wonder what I’m gonna do for the rest of the time. Then I divert my thoughts to my worklife plans: anytime chaat, pizza and nightwalks and weekend trips with old friends and plummeting into a bean bag with a book and spending time at the park and being up to date on all the series and movies, more single serving friends to be made, and all the neighborhood dogs to be petted….then internet happens.  My Sammy, sometimes I want my lappy to be gone. Maybe that will trigger a new beginning.

 

See, I get lucky :).

Yours gratefully.

 

1. How do blind people eat, to be more specific, at a hotel?

2. Watching beachsideblues flourish, sometimes I feel like replying to certain posts. But just like anything else now, priorities…this is another world, that was a looong time ago.

3.I have an address now, a house to come back to. The beanbag sums it up.

4.Shishu Mandir. Great to know that such initiatives and options exist.

5. Boss-dude Popsie and sado and pingu, thank you.  13. Corporate slavedom is a walk in the park because of all of u 🙂

 

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address

Residential college to Permanent residence to addressless. Watching rains from 110/s06/214’s windows to the patio at home.  And now from behind glass walls. Living out of suitcases is still slightly mindfucking. The fun Zombie walking days are over, the non-fun ones loom endlessly. Yet to tune into Bangalore FMs I once loved.  In most of the new songs I find one part I dislike and those ruin the songs for me. Yet to hear the graduation mixes I downloaded from 8tracks, specially for work. Maroon 5’s Daylight. My May 1st– 11th J Stashed the last bus ticket I had of mlore to krec and train tickets of that final journey away in memories folder.  Now I don’t wanna see anything about nitk. I’m afraid I have either temporarily exhausted the nostalgia or it is my mental defense against a deluge of nosti. Emptiness. Should have clicked more pics. Should have hugged people more.  Still detachment is awesome.  I miss random people randomly. That is more fun.

“അപരാഹ്നത്തിന്റെ അനന്തപദങ്ങളിൽ അവൻ നടന്നകന്നു, ഭീമനും യുധിഷ്ഠിരനും ബീഡ് വലിച്ചു .സീതയുടെ മാറ് പിളർന്ന് ചോര കുടിച്ചു ദുര്യോധനൻ, ഗുരുവായൂരപ്പന് ജലദോഷമായിരുന്നു അന്ന്. അമ്പലത്തിന്റെ അകാൽ വിളക്കുകൾ തെളിയുന്ന സന്ധ്യയിൽ അവൾ അവനോട് ചോദിച്ചു, “ഇനിയും നീ ഇതുവഴി വരില്ലേ, ആനകളേയും തേളിച്ച് കൊണ്ട്?”  😀

Luxury makes me uncomfortable.  But ‘Dolce far niente’; sigh. Nope, don’t lose heart honey, you can still be free and have fun. A chocolate unexpected in the fridge, meeting certain friends’ friends, getting a life-or-death problem solved with insulation tape, funny lift/cafeteria conversations overheard, these little things are enough. Plus my Sammy is still fine. Sooner or later you will stop feeling that you’re the oddly old soul, my “big picture thinker” 🙂

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What’s in the name

Endsems, as usual, this is my favorite time for catharsis. Just finished watching/reading hours of Robert Downey Jr.  stuff.  Tales of redemption or not, I love him. Was thinking if I should rename this blog. Am I still Missmessedup? Am I not different now?

Let’s see.

I just live according to my own terms and I am damn proud about it.

I respect people for different reasons. Sometimes just on intuition. You need to earn my respect to get me to spend time on you happily.

More than taking a stand, what I do in debates/discussions is try to play the devil’s advocate. Try to be the voice that stands out, non-mainstream.

Not sure if I love attention or am devoid of that basic human need.

Inferiority complex sometimes, superiority complex sometimes.

In some matters I’m pretty insecure.

Still haven’t figured out what makes me turn emo at times.

My ego is in megalomania’s min range, but most people don’t know that about me.

Anybody caring too much about me drives me away from them sooner or later. Intimacy issues.

I don’t actually care about anybody or anything. We are the hollowmen, we exist. Those of you who find me a blessing of some sort, ultimately my motives are selfish. You feeling better because of me makes me feel better about myself. That is why, not altruism. I get to play the savior people need.

Narcissism is the root of my ‘zen mode’. Coz whatever I do, I love myself. And yeah, I think I’m wiser than most. That I’ve got life figured out.

I’m gonna continue coasting through life with no aims, ambitions and stuff. Whether it is laziness, escapism or some complex I’m not sure. I just value little things and moments.

Till I continue finding movies and other stories fascinating, I will be fine.

That I know myself this well is a matter of pride for me.

This is what my core is like. Yep, I’m gonna keep that title, no renaming. 🙂 🙂 🙂

p.s. happy birthday big bro. not saying anything mushy 🙂

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not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Not being 09ee36. Sigh. This is not Stockholm syndrome. This is not Red’s “institutionalized”.

I donno how it is everywhere else, but in nitk roll numbers are such that no two people will have the same number. So I’ll be the only 09ee36 it had. That number almost always follows your name and sometimes even supersedes it around here. And I’ll miss being that. Although nitk won’t miss 09ee36 coz I did nothing significant here. I got to experiment a lot more and got unlimited freedom to just be and hence know myself much better- this wouldn’t be possible had it not been for trical nitk. The awesome people I could have got to know better, that was the price I paid in the stabilizing self deal. Was that trade-off unavoidable? Not sure, but I keep telling myself it was. Getting myself under control had to be the first priority. A lot of people missed an amazingly great friend.  Kidding. My loss. Greater good 🙂

Yep, BTech degree was wasted on me, still feel bad about that coz I used to think engineering was my call. But like LJ said, we might not always be good at the things we like. Anyway I have the rest of my life to figure out what I’m professionally good at.

Last endsem. I don’t have any plans to write more exams in the near future, so this might as well be the last, if it were upto me. Haven’t chosen a theme yet. Flashbacks, let’s not go there.  

Work, I trust in my nature to adapt. Next best thing I hope for is a nice place to come back to after work, if not as great as 110, s06 or 214, atleast half that nice. Re-learning to stay awake during daytime is gonna be really hard :/  

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